Do you want to know what the definition of hot is? My new, oily body:
It’s not a secret anymore: I like sports and I have dedicated my life to the Greek God Herakles. Every activity that can divert me from my path to sexiness is avoided, and if it is inevitable, I end up in an extreme fit of self-hatred. Therefore it was quite convenient that I was given the chance to test the L-membership of the Urban Sports Club (read more about it here).
For those who don’t know what Urban Sports Club is: with a membership, you can pick out different sports and classes across your whole city from a pool of varieties. Whether yoga, football, or tennis. You pay one flat rate for different sports. As a decision-dyslexic, this was perfect for me. With the membership also came the illusion of me becoming a professional of ALL the sports. But when I wanted to chose the classes, my subconsciousness approached me.
Basketball: Tandiss, you are still scared of the ball and remember that you have had capsular ruptures before.
Football: No, I am not going to be picked out as the last person again. I am still trying to process this trauma. Let’s be realistic! But I really did try some stuff. Here are my favorites:
Really close to my home and a wonderful oasis of calm. PEACE YOGA is a Jivamukti Yoga studio and the lobby looks like the living room that I’ll never own. Not even when I’m grown up. Many different, funny, charming and sweet coaches teach you how to collectively practice yoga, how to sing and how to ohhhhhhm. After a couple of hours there I wanted to quit my life and become a yoga teacher myself. This was the time in which my favorite conversation topic switched from Tandiss to Yoga. I was only steps away from subscribing to “Happiness” magazine.
For those who’d prefer a session in English: another studio that I visited was in Prenzlauer Berg, called KALAA. I entered this elongated room and positioned myself. Along the room, many others had already laid down. I was right in the middle and didn’t know who of these people was the teacher. When the session began, Dawn began to whisper her instructions to us, still while lying on her back, in English. I’d thought that she was one of us. Then I thought she reminded me of McGonagall. I was also scared, but then she started smiling and my day was immediately better.
Okay, so when I saw that EMS was part of the Urban Sports Club, I knew that I had to take this chance. What I knew about EMS beforehand: it’s super expensive and you have to wear weird outfits. I didn’t even know what the letters stood for. The studios advertise their product by saying that once a month is enough training, and that sounds like a good deal to me: minimal effort and maximum good-looking Tandiss.
For an appointment at Slim Gym’s you have to call in beforehand or make an appointment online. You’ll get really thick clothes to wear (tight and 98% cotton) and a short and effective consultation about nutrition, cardio and the EMS training (by the way, the letters stand for Electronic Simulation), which you’re not supposed to do more than twice a week. And then it started. It was weird – somehow amidst my two favorite emotions, “sexually aroused” and “tickled by someone hot”. Then the intensity of the shocks were gradually increased, and I could hardly breathe and felt like a trapped mouse in a lab. After 16 minutes of torture I went back home, just to be grounded by the WORST sore muscles ever. Without knowing what the side effects of EMS could be – and I don’t want to know – I’m pretty sure that this is the best way of having arms like Madonna. Quick and effectively, and by effectively I mean LOOKING GOD DAMN HOT.
Already the first time that I looked through the Urban Sports website, I saw that Personal Training was also offered. At first I thought that I wouldn’t need this charade, that “personal training” is like the introductory class at the Gym studio where nobody ever talks about your personal needs. More like: dit machste so und dit machste so. And still no idea what they’re talking about.
But then I had a clear moment and thought: fuck it, I can just as well use the opportunity. I chose Jens Eltmann to teach me. Jens has to be called to make the appointment, very easy and uncomplicated. Like buying drugs. Whereas our first encounter was more like a blind date- quick introduction, then immediately getting down to the point. In the beginning, Jens had to test me in order to determine exactly how the training should be planned (my goal is to lose bodyfat).
The good thing about Jens was how he allowed any questions to be asked, and he always took the time to answer elaborately. He really knows a lot of things about me now, and the best part is that he also watched me do many of the routine exercise that I already do and form checked me on them, and even gave me some more alternatives to get closer to my aim. Besides, we were also able to enjoy the beautiful Treptower Park.